Here is Emma's birth story. It may not follow the formula for a
positive birth story, but if you bare with me, I think you will
understand that it really is.
After I posted about my D-dimer, etc, I was hospitalized. My 24-hour
urine protein turned out to be 1300, then 1900 (normal is 300 or
below). My clotting factors started to deteriorate, and I had signs
of impending seizure and elevated BP.
Despite my protests, my midwife and OB started a Cervidil induction
on Tuesday, and Pitocin on Wednesday morning. The science was in
their favor, so my decision was the best I could do under the
circumstances. I think most of you know how I felt about
induction. My spirits were so low. I was only 36 weeks, and the
hospital where I was delivering have a strict policy that 36 week
babies or earlier need to be in the ICU for at least 48 hours.
However, it turned out the results were even worse, and my BP was
skyrocketing, and my kidneys and liver started to show signs of
failure before the Pitocin was started. I puffed up like a dialysis
patient, and there were some signs of neurological involvement, so
Magnesium Sulfate was started. By the time they stared the Pit, I
was loopy on Magnesium. For those who don't know, Magnesium sulfate
is used to halt premature labor...and Pitocin to induce labor, so my
body was working against itself in some fairly awful ways.
About 12 hours into my induction, I was 1-2 cm and only slightly
effaced. My mom and sister came in for more support, as my husband
was kind of a mess. I was denied anything but clear liquids, not
allowed in the shower or bath, forced into continual fetal monitoring
and constant BPs. I had pitocin, magnesium, fluids and penicillin
running into various IV lines, functionally tying me to a very small
area of the room. My sister and mom knew things were going south
fast, so they literally grabbed me, looking into my eyes, and told me
this was it. My baby needed to come out now. My mom put on one of
the Hypnobabies CDs, and my sister started brushing my hair. My
husband just held my hand, and before I knew it I was relaxed. I had
the most amazing nurse, and to tell the truth, my midwife represented
everything negative about the experience (in my mind), so she stayed
out of my way at that point at my request.
As soon as I relaxed into the Hypnobabies CD, the pressure waves
started to come on, and felt exactly as they should-like pressure
without pain. I played the CDs one after the other in the background
while I kept my center switch off. I didn't try to go through any
steps-I just used the "peace" and "relax" cues. My husband did some
light touch massage (a surgical brush worked great for that). I got
into a much better head space. I started changing positions on my
own by instinct-the birthing ball was the best, and my practice
sessions helped more than I can say. My midwife insisted on checking
my progress then, and I was 3 cm and fully effaced. She told me she
wanted me to allow her rupture my membranes. She knew I hadn't gone
to sleep since Monday, and felt I couldn't tolerate much more. I
refused. I was starting to feel a bit more in control, and I needed
to refuse SOMETHING. I told her I felt I could visualize my
membranes into releasing, and I think she humored me simply because
she thought I was on the edge. Within an hour, my membranes released
on their own. My midwife was amazed, and she really seemed to get
onboard then. She dimmed the lights and started some aromatherapy
massage. I used the deepening CD most, although I did use the
Birthing Day CD too. Sometime while they had me in the bed, the baby
turned back-to-back, and the back labor started. But as soon as I
was able to figure out what the change was, I relaxed deeply and
refocused, and managed to turn the baby back around with my mind and
positioning. Nurses on the staff started to take interest, and
peeked in throughout, even stopping to whisper words of encouragement
when they understood what was going on. Up until a point many of the
floor nurses and my midwife were almost hostile in their refusal to
use my more gentle terminology, and avoid p%@n scale assessments and
internal checks. But that did change when the saw how I was making
it work for me.
20 hours or so into my 2-step induction (nearing 3 days without sleep
and having started with a completely unfavorable cervix), the
magnesium hallucinations started. I was seeing things floating in
the air, and out of the corner of my eye. I had moments of lucidity,
but throughout everything, all of the affirmations and commitments I
had embedded using Hypnobabies stuck. At 7 cm, my midwife broke her
promise and started offering pain medicine. I kept telling her I was
not in pain, but I was terrified because I couldn't focus while on
the Magnesium. My husband did well then, and took her out of the
room to tell her that her offer was only sabotaging what little I
still held onto from my birth plan.
In the end, she checked me, and I was 9.5 cm, fully effaced. I had
an anterior lip, and exhaustion and hallucinations had taken their
toll, so I begged my midwife to try to push the lip over the baby's
head instead of allowing nature to continue. That was the only pain
I felt, as I had to push while she manipulated my cervix, and because
of the exhaustion, I was finding it hard to relax deeply. After
about an hour, I successfully birthed my beautiful 7 pound 4 ounce
19.5 inch long Emma Frances. Her apgars were 8 and 9, and she was
born narcotic free. Because of the length of the labor, I had moved
into my 37th week, and we were able to keep her out of the NICU. She
was lethargic from the magnesium, but latched on beautifully. I had
no tears or stitches, and walked out of the birthing room (against
hospital policy) to the applause of the nurses (I have to tell you
that while I had no physical pain, I could barely stand up straight
from fatigue, but that walk was the most triumphant moment of my
womanhood).
After the birth, I had to stay on the Mag for 24 hours. Assessments
found subtle signs of impending seizure or possible mild brain damage
(in me-Emma was fine) from PIH/HELLP. My edema continued to grow at
an alarming rate. I needed no p%@n meds, hemorrhoid treatment or help
getting cleaned up, to the consternation of the nurses. I showered
and dressed in street clothes by 7am, although shoes were not an
option. We had to stay until Saturday. My kidneys have resumed
functioning, and my liver enzymes are down. I have hyperreflexia and
clonus in my feet, so I am on house arrest, but as long as I am not
alone, I was released. Emma lost 11% of her body weight (possibly
from lethargy from the Mag), so they insisted I supplement her breast
milk before they would discharge her. I am hoping that my milk will
come in full force now that we are home and relaxed and we can stop
supplementing in the next 2 days.
This experience has taught me a great deal about the power of the
mind. Many of the nurses who helped me through came to post-partum
during my stay to express their absolute amazement at what they saw
and how it would change their practice.
For those of you who are getting close and doubting that you can do
this...You can! I did not get the CDs until 3 weeks before Emma was
born, but I accelerated my timeline, and did the work. I fell asleep
to the CDs most nights, but it all took. I cannot say that this was
my perfect birthing. It was far from it, but what was perfect was
that I did it, and I don't have a moment's disappointment in myself.
After this life-altering experience, I truly believe that whatever
our choices and outcomes, our informed advocacy on behalf of our
babies is changing the world a little bit at a time. I will be here,
cuddling my baby and sending you all peaceful birthing vibes.
Robin