Liberty's Birth
The power of a mother is amazing to me. It is like other powers I
often deny even though I see them over and over, they just seem too
extraordinary. Last night was much like that but I guess one would
have to have seen the events leading up to it.
A pregnancy we thought not possible but laughed at the joy of it. My
husband came home on two weeks of leave from Iraq and we got
pregnant. Never before had I been so sick when pregnant. Not just my
body sick losing weight 25lbs, but also my mental state. Thankfully I
had friends who tolerated me as best as anyone could. I must admit I
did not feel bonded to baby for a very long time. I was bitter in
many ways, one being that this baby was already seeming to take so
much time and energy from my beloved children. Homeschooling was so
hard simply because I had little energy, patience, and ability to
focus. I dreaded the time my toddler son would lose because I would
be having to focus on baby. My daughter is thankfully very motherly
and is a wonderful help with her little brother and they are much
attached to each other. It would have to be ok.
A home birth was planned as it had been since my sons hospital birth.
I had loved a painless labor with him till 7cm and then a harsh and
traumatic 20 minute birth where the Dr did little but laugh at me and
catch and get in my way. We knew then that we certainly did not need
without good reason, a hospital to bring a baby into the world in
peace.
At 38 weeks I was checked, found to be at 3cm. This was no shock as I
had been having contractions for well over a week. Shortly after
contractions started to come at a solid 3 minutes apart but not very
painful. Midwife came 6 hours after and said I was only at a 4. She
knew it was not real labor. My membranes where stripped though, not
on purpose but because it was so hard to tell what my cervix was
doing. Over the next two days I lost my plug in a bloody yucky mess.
Everyone went home and I curled up for 6 more hours of contractions
only these where painful but I felt emotionally broken and done. They
went away and I was happy to spend the next week more oven in bed or
the bath tub trying to avoid contractions.
The following Saturday at Midnight my water broke, baby was very
active and I had some contractions but nothing that was all that
convincing. I was happy to lay in bed and wait for others to get some
good sleep so I could get help in the morning. Only by morning the
contractions seemed rare. All this made harder though by my knowing I
could be in labor and hardly know it, as with my son. This concerned
my wonderful doula and birthing support Carrie. We went shopping, we
walked, we tried the breast pump, we walked, we pumped, we curb
walked, and by 2am we started to fill the birthing pool as I was
feeling pain but before I knew it, I was laying down, and asleep, and
when I woke at almost 4am, everyone else had crashed as well. It had
been over 24 hours and everyone warned me about a c-section in the
hospital after 24 hours. Baby was kicking and seemed well and I just
would not give up. Support had to leave though and I was left alone
to pump and do what I could in the house. I did not like that the
midwives where not there helping to get labor going. They finally
sent a student, Julie, to check on baby heart tones and me. I was
told to keep at trying to get labor started with the pump and walking
and would talk to them again that night. That night I was told we
could try castor oil. At this point I was all for it. Only a call
back I was told that the main midwife was not ok inducing at night
even though I had rested a lot. I felt horrible, I felt like I was on
a horrible clock and it was made worse hearing the student midwife
would be back to check heart tones and get me to sign a waiver saying
I refused transport to the hospital. I was expected to sleep and try
castor oil in the morning. I just could not handle it. I was feeling
like my labor was being put on hold for the convenience of others. I
could see doing it in the AM if mother needed to be well rested, but
I was. I felt like we had waiting too long already to do something.
My fear was getting the better of me. I do not feel that the hospital
is the safe place to give birth with all the interventions and high
infant and mother mortality rates compared to other countries who
have higher home birth rates. Baby was ok, though with how different
this birth was going, I felt something was just not right. 70% of
women who have membranes stripped go into labor within 24 hours. 90%
of women go into labor 24 hours after their water breaks. What was
wrong with me? Am I so rare or strange? Maybe.
After being told I would have to rest that night and all my fears, my
next emotion was Anger. I was upset at so many things and feeling
like I had no options and the midwives where not helping as I wanted
them too. I thought about doing castor oil on my own. I thought about
going to the hospital and not telling them when my water broke in
hopes of an induction and not a c-section. I thought about having the
baby without the midwives even. I was not being rational and some
people think I was in a state of transition then. In any case, the
anger helped me think I had options and that some how made it ok. I
needed to feel like I could keep baby safe. Carrie was worried and I
think she thought the hospital the best option at that point, just to
get it over with as if something was wrong with baby she knew I would
not forgive myself. My doula Steph seemed to have more faith and
listened to all my ranting without judgment and tried to make my
believed options seem more available to me. I could breath again.
8pm the contractions started with me having done nothing but found
some kind of control and trust in myself again. They where hard but
only a hand full at first, and then every 5-2 minutes. It was funny
as they stayed this way till about 10pm. The 5 minute ones took my
concentration but the ones that came at 2 minutes hardly got my
attention. The student midwife showed up and got ready and very much
believed it was real labor. She had a feeling she said, thus she was
staying in town close and not an hour away. I waited for her to check
me as I knew this was it and checking me would speed things up and my
doula had not arrived yet. Only it was not too long before I was not
getting any time between the contractions and badly wanted in the
birthing pool then almost full thanks to wonder women Carrie. She
checked me and I was at 9. I got into the tub fast at that point,
fully forgetting my phone was in the bra part of the cami I was
wearing. Yes, I killed the phone but I was just so happy to be in the
water and it helped. It slowed everything down and I was my blissful
self and feeling like I could ride the top of most of the
contractions. Doula came and it was a lot better. I felt ready. I
felt no need for any of the midwives that I had thus far found to do
little but argue with me. I liked the student midwife, she seemed to
be on my side and had planned to do the castor oil with me till she
was told not to. Not to mention she seemed to trust me. That is
priceless by the way. Steph knew just what to say and when to be
quiet and I where to push on my back. Friends from church came,
Aurolynn and Joe. She had not seen a birth before and wanted to and I
had no problem sharing the moment as I knew then I would have no
modesty issues. Joe came to and I knew him to have seen many births
and they both are peaceful bright souls. Midwife Mel showed up soon
after. She had a smile, though I heard her at some point venting
about my stubborn self telling her I was having a baby that night and
there I was doing it. LOL
Hubby called sometime and I could not really focus to talk and it was
enough to know that he knew baby was coming and all was ok. I felt
like if I talked to him I might break. I could not imagine how he must
have felt missing this and being so far. I had to take care of me and
baby and trust him to be strong and take care of himself too. He was
set to call back in a little while.
I was using Hypnobabies in my head, mostly telling myself "peace"
and "relax" and "Deeper" and "Open" and trying to pray and give
thanks for the moment. If I could get quiet at the start of a
contraction I could ride the top and be ok. If my focus was gone I
was moving all over and breathing funny or holding my breath. At some
point the contractions started to come faster then I felt I could
handle and all other noise and light was too much. Steph seemed to
know this without me telling her and took care of it. Transition was
hitting and I think I ended up sobbing some and mentioning it was
More then I was. Steph reminded me it was ok and yes, it was More. I
could not stay on top. I felt I had to ask my company to please hush
when I was in a contraction. I felt bad asking but I felt I was
starting to shake from the pain and I had to do better. I got my
wireless head phones on just in time to listen to Hypnobabies
birthing affirmations. It helped block out the world. I could not hear
the words really but by then I think I was in that between worlds
place. My rational mind shut down. Carrie came to hold my hand while
Steph tried to give me back relief. I remember saying I felt the ring
of fire but I said it in a voice that sounded distant even to me. I
felt blessed it was moving so fast. It felt like the birth I had been
waiting for and had expected. Nothing like the past week that had me
so confused.
Not sure how long I pushed, it seemed fast, I remember saying little
then asking baby "out" twice when I pushed. I was honestly trying not
to push fast as I did not want stitches but my body seemed to be
taking baby with it. Out and out. I was craving that moment of relief
when baby finally is free. That moment is a natural high I can not
explain a moment it seems one can live their whole lives for. Baby
was out and head phones taken off me as I was helped to sit back in
the water and baby was put on my chest with a towel over her. She was
perfect, but still I just needed to hear them say so, over and over I
guess as I kept asking. When I felt sure she was ok, even though it
seemed they where trying hard to get her to cry, I asked for someone
to take her so I could get out of the pool and let go of the placenta
and end my work for the moment. I felt done and the peace I had when
the baby was coming out, was no longer with me. The cord stopped
pulsing, was clamped and I was happy Carrie got to cut it as she had
really helped me be ok this pregnancy and I felt the baby and I owed
her a great deal. I was happy baby was then considered on her own and
well. To the sofa I waddled and dreaded the contractions to bring the
placenta as I was by then too in my body and head again. It came in
one push though all was well with that too. Some clean up, no
stitches, and then to bed with baby and I so we could try and
breastfeed. I was happy to let Steph cuddle with baby while this was
happening. Baby seemed more interested in looking at the world then
eating at first, she did latch and did suck some. My friends took
their leave and I was happy they could be there to witness such an
event I felt I badly needed to heal past births for me and because
this little one needed others energy to celebrate her entrance when
so many had been worried or even negative about a homebirth and the
waters having broken.
I learned something then. Her cord had a full knot in it. If I had
been in a hospital or situation where someone tried to force me to
push, it could have killed her. Thus I had such a odd labor that had
stopped and why I had say at 9 for so long. Baby had to move in a way
that would not make the knot tighter.
Liberty Marie rested well after everyone relaxed and left. Carrie
spent the night in my room to make me feel better, just incase. Kids
all at her house with a sitter for the night. I was up late, woke
baby to try and feed and change her diaper and deal with the horrible
after pains. I do mean horrible. How I shall make it on just Tylenol
as the midwives say I must is beyond me right now. Carrie went home
in the morning to care for all the kids. Baby and I rested and tried
to nurse and diapers in the quiet of the day. She seems like a quiet
baby so far. She is no expert nurser yet, and sometimes hard to wake
up and get to try but she does enough to make my uterus cause me to
tear up and give at least damp diapers. I hope my milk comes in soon
to give her more interest then just using me as a pacifier. LOL
Daddy is very thrilled all went as it should and I did not let myself
get pushed into a hospital birth. The recovery and safety of home is
just not at all the same. I know he must be sad he missed it but I
also know he is happy it is over and went well and he should be home
in a month. He loves it when I am super Mommy. hehehehe Again, having
people who trust you and support you is so important.
3pm and baby is over 12 hours old. My little ones came home to give
Carrie time to nap as she sounds so drained on the phone. Toby being
only two in a few weeks was thrilled to just be on me. It took him a
moment to notice the small person next to me. For some odd reason he
pointed to baby and said "ouchy" and I could not argue with him.
Crystal told him all about the baby and then he was happy pointing
and saying "baby"
He picked up a blanket and put it on baby and seemed very pleased
with himself. He was not however thrilled with the nap time I want
him to have that he was refusing to take for Carrie but some cuddles
and he was off to sleep. Daughter has a cold it seems and just
besides herself wanting to be right near baby. You can see where this
is leading right? I hope to get some time with her this evening to
read together when her little siblings are sleeping. She wants to
paint for the baby and I must say I have that need too. It will have
to wait a few days though I am thinking. Must take things easy and go
slow and do only what I really need to.
In the end, even with all the things that seemed chaos, the bad
timing of hubby not being here, the worry and the fears and
everything that just did not seem right, the birthing was beautiful
and perfect and not at all traumatic. I have to be feeling like myself
as I was to say to a few people, like a little child, "told you so
LOL." None of it though would have been possible without the support
I will forever be grateful for. Birthing is so much more about spirit
and energy I think then the medical side of it. No matter where the
birth is I really feel like those there are who help it be what it
needs to or makes it harder then it needs to me. I am very blessed
and lucky.
Thank you Steph, Carrie, and Julie for trusting and supporting me.
Thank You Aurolynn and Joe for sharing such a special time and doing
so with peace and joyful energy. Thank you Mel for the smiles even
though I know you must have wanted to strangle me for being so
annoying and stubborn. Alex for being brave and so grown up, graceful
and Funny and help with Crystal. And Hubby who always trusted me to
do the research and fight for what is best for our children and for
keeping himself ok during this hard time. And also Nessa, the sitter
the kids adore!
So much love.
And lastly, thank you to all those who prayed and offered support
from afar and those I am sure I have not mentioned. It really does
help.
Liberty Marie
12:51am 11/12/07
19 1/2" Long and 7lbs 10oz.
Home water birth.
Perfect
Blessings,
Kimmy